enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
