I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
