Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
