I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
