ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
