Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
