After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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