A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
