I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
