we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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