There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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