things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
