He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Come see our sink grown plant.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
