And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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