Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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