can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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