I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
