just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
