i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
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Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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