Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I know her cup size but not her name....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
