Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
