just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
