Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
