We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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