Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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