you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
