Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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