I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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