I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
