The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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