How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
