Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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