I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
