Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
