he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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