I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
