are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
