I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
