I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
