Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
