i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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