I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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