my phone needs a breathalizer
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just forgot I was standing up.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
