Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
