But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
