I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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