I wish I could teleport
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
