I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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