I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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