drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
