He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
