there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
