sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
