I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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