Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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