I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
