There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
