I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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